Limbo.
Limbo - an imaginary place for lost or neglected things.
I am firm believer that people don’t change. That is, their innate instincts, personality traits, characteristics and core being are rooted in their psyche and will always exist. That is not to say that people can’t learn how to react differently to situations. With self reflection, guidance and openness, we can alter our reactions in order to create different consequences. The ole nature vs. nurture argument.
The past few days I have been silently questioning where I want to live, what kind of job I want to hold, how I want to responsibly live my life. The answers are nonexistent and I have been feeling like my life is in limbo. But after reading the definition, I am realizing that it is not my sense of responsibility that has been lost, it is my sense of freedom, ability to love, desire, and the ability to feel that I have ignored. And they have been neglected for years. Squashed by the “what I am supposed to be doing” and the “responsible way of living” mantras that were drilled in my head time after time. The question is not where I want to live. The question is how I want to live.
Friends and family have been asking where I am going next, how long am I staying in Tucson, when am I going back to Milwaukee, what are my plans. My answer is always “I don’t know.” By the looks on their faces and silent pauses, I can tell they are taken aback with my reaction because they haven’t ever known me to not know. I get the feeling they think I am being allusive or unwilling to share. But the fact is, I really don’t know. My mind is a blank slate. Everything that I knew, thought and lived is different. Everything that I wanted has changed. I am still the same person, with the same traits and characteristics. The same sense of responsibility. But I am shifting. Transforming. Finding the playful, adventurous, thrill seeking, love of life, engaged and creative essence I used to know.
What I do know is that I love swimming in a pool when it is 90 degrees out. Hiking with my pups. Exploring new places and meeting new people. Flirting, laughing and talking about life with cute guys. And I especially love the time I am spending with my family. Simple activities like picking up my nieces from school. Working out with my brother. Helping my sister-in-law with her business. Going out to breakfast with my sister. Just having them in my day to day life has been so comforting and rewarding. For the first time in a very long time I feel like I am a part of a family. I mean really a part of it. Not the visiting sister. Not the part time aunt. But the engaged, integrated, fun loving, togetherness sibling/auntie. My niece commented to me yesterday, out of the blue, that she loved having me in Tucson and she hopes I stay and followed it up by saying that I have really changed…for the better. A rush of love, kindness, happiness and contentment came over me like the warm sunlight hitting the horizon and spewing colorful hope at dawn.
The pull of other unexplored places is calling to me, and I know I will be canvassing them very soon. But for today, I am basking in the love of family.
