Exploration begins at your core.
It has been some time since I have written in this blog. Almost two years. My life has changed tremendously in ways I never imagined. I chose a new career path and started my own business, one that is extremely rewarding and meaningful. I met someone wonderful, fell in love and we recently purchased a house together. I shifted my mindset to one of growth, caring, openness and love. I moved to Tucson and grew closer to my family and made some amazing new friends-for-life. And mostly, I started listening to my heart and allowing myself to feel and, dare I say, show vulnerability.
You may ask yourself, “What is that beautiful house?”
You may ask yourself, “Where does that highway go to?”
And you may ask yourself, “Am I right? Am I wrong?”
And you may say to yourself, “My God, what have I done?”
I fell in love with this clever Talking Heads song when it was released back in the fall of 1980. It stuck with me for years – the distinctive melody and the unique video - but I never embraced the message. Until now. David Byrne has been quoted to say that this song is about operating “ half awake or on autopilot and end up, whatever, with a house and family and job and everything else, and we haven’t really stopped to ask ourselves, ‘How did I get here?’ “
I’ve been asking myself that very question for the past 20 months. I was definitely on autopilot; ignoring my core values, ignoring my true self, ignoring what truly made me happy. I was incredibly successful at my job because it allowed me to focus on business, build a strong team of professionals and be a leader in my field. I worked 60-80 hours a week, sometimes 21 days in a row, and told myself that I was happy. I defined myself by my work accomplishments. But I had zero social life, no life balance and ignored the signs that my body was sending to me. The migraines. The heartburn. The pain in my bones from standing on concrete for hours at a time. I filled the loneliness in my heart with career recognition, promotions and bonuses. And I didn’t have to acknowledge my vulnerability, even to myself. As a result, I grew distant from love, from connection, from myself. I became that rock that feels no pain.
What I discovered was that I was asking the wrong question. It wasn’t, “how did I get here”, but “how do I live a life with meaning, joy and purpose, from the heart.” It begins with exploring your core. Who you are and embracing it. Letting go of the inner critic who pretends to keep you safe but really just holds you back. Letting go of judgement, especially with yourself. Letting others in, being vulnerable and listening. Really listening. To yourself. To the universe.
